Daddy's Girl

The past few months have been epic in so many ways that wording them seems difficult now. It seems as though someone suddenly hit the fast forward button without warning. I believe I am pro-change but sometimes even I hope against hope for some events to skip the timeline completely. Believing in that old cliché – Time heals all wounds, I embrace the road ahead. These months have seen a plethora of emotions not just gushing out of me but everyone I’ve met. Some were exhilarating and some downright depressing. Through these were important lessons learned – about family, society and human existence in a broader sense. 

Life and Death both seem to get you closer to the people closest to your heart. On both occasions, society has seemed to create a process that allows you to methodically rejoice or mourn so as to embrace the path ahead. Let me tell you I am not a believer of most societal rituals or processes and least of all of the ones that involve heartless and illogical methodologies.  When anyone has to bear the heavier of the two events in their life these societal pressures get increasingly unbearable and sometimes extremely devoid of any emotional sensitivity which is vital according to my opinion. This brings me to why I’m being extremely cautious in the writing on this blog. I do not intend to hurt anyone’s sentiments with my opinion here as family that is mostly bound by blood tend to take offense at the slightest of misinterpretation. Family, I believe comprises of those who connect with you on a level much deeper than blood. I parted with my father a few months ago. He decided to move on with his quest for soul refinement, I’d like to believe. Mostly I feel he was just tired with his body and he needed to go see the world from a different view. His departure created a void in many hearts including mine. I was his favourite. There’s nothing wrong in saying that because I know it’s true. He had the most joyful disposition that I’ve ever seen and he managed to bring a smile to anyone’s face. Not many people have that gift you see. He loved with all his heart and was always content. He along with, his source of joy and strength, his wife, made me who I am today. He taught me to see the good things in people and most of all how to forgive – others as well as ourselves.  I am amazed at the fact that he managed maintaining such high standards for himself and his family in a world that’s run by the selfish soul. I have no doubt that he’s moved to a place where he will find only happiness and tranquillity from a world that tormented and tore him (literally) apart.

He has always been and for ever more shall remain my idol – flaws and all.

I am proud to say I am my daddy’s girl and am every bit (good and bad) ever so like him. 

He is the best a girl would hope for and I can only hope that he feels the same about me.

Juggling

My life is a roller coaster ride operating in a city in India for sure. The highs, lows and the in between power cuts leading to standstills that are ever so uninteresting makes me want the high intensity drama This I guess is the fuelling thought to most of the events that occur in my life. I deeply crave for upheaval and unnerving events to make my otherwise chartered existence interesting – this is something I’ve begun to believe in considering the rate at which incidents pop up just as I begin to settle into a peaceful state. Not a moment’s rest and in those that I get I seem to stay in state of complete awareness expecting something or someone to throw a punch. I must say at times it’s even something I look forward to when things become quiet and I start rusting from no firefighting.

Everyone is a juggler in their own respect; the balls being different essentially. We all get good at juggling sooner or later. Like all in life this also improves with practice so I figure! What makes it fun is the drama of it all, from audiences to inner strength all form a part and parcel to this one-man-circus we are. The act of juggling in itself is not much of skill to portray as much as the fact to make it look sensational! That’s the art in reality – Juggling the actual object/event/person within an ever-changing environment and an easily bored audience that’s mostly rooting for you to fail! You might disagree about the intentions of the audiences but its not the one’s that encourage that are part of the audience as they probably are part of what objects you’re juggling – it’s the one’s that root for you to fail that are not the balls in the air. They have no expectations linked to your success and that what makes them the audience! They are the one’s that will not be too bothered if you fail and write you off but if you succeed will count on the flair in execution to tell you off to the world! These critics are your audience!

So here I am, entertaining as hell, juggling all my (for lack of a better word) “balls” in the air and hoping you enjoy the show. If you aren’t with me you’re my audience and I guarantee the flair and fireworks so pay attention, I am your Impossible! 

Do the Gods demand blood???

Hope and Faith drive people..... and at times to the point of insanity and thoughtlessness. Such are the selfish ways of humans. I say humans because everywhere at some point  people due to selfishness driven by faith, hope, religion or impatience too lose the one quality that makes them human.Such was the feeling that rendered me speechless and disgusted on a pilgrimage to the most sort after god in the south that seems to grant  people their dearest wishes for a selfless donation by them to his "hundi". I'm not an atheist and i'm sorry if what i'm about to say rages anyone that reads it due to their immense faith in this particular god. But its not just HIM but most of the deity abodes in the country that seem to have a fanatic effect on their worshipers. Most people have lost faith in themselves and only tend to believe that a higher power will grant them "moksha" or eternal salvation whilst they go about committing crimes against every fellow being on the planet.
I know its pointless to believe that such people actually would ever understand these nuances so blinded by the aura of the gods failing to understand that a prayer only wont get your deepest desires fulfilled.
Anyways let me fill you in on what a pilgrimage to any deity in the country ( popular ones) feels like.
You start your journey with immense hope and pray that you get to have atleast a glimpse of the idol as you know the road to get there is sometimes tough and most often filled with human obstacles more than physical ones. A glimpse is all one can hope for with a slice of luck. Chants and one liners are sung all the way till the main temple. All is rosy and sometimes fun filled. You get to meet various sorts of people who seem extremely ritualistic and with absolutely no value for their own time or energy. It's as they say all in the name of god.
Funny how one believes to reach a place of worship one must go through hardships but in the journey of life one should not bear the same view. God will solve your problems! Funny how when all else fails and especially courage to try and try and keep standing up for the beliefs you've based your life on and on which society somewhat lives is shattered one looks to a higher being to get them through to the difficulty but not by asking for courage or strength but for the end product in general. I think most of these blind devotees need a manual on what a prayer should consist of. I remember once as a child being told to pray for things that i longed for and be a good person so that god thought i'd be worthy and fulfill my wishes. A small child since then is made to believe that if all else fails ( mental block that is) GOD will grant you your wishes.
Most people that come to these place and i mean majority are there hoping that this is a short cut to success. God will see them through. And then a few do get their prayers answered and the whole popularity of that place of worship is heightened making that deity the current #1. Wow a God that gives you what you ask for and for a small price of dakshina or offerings. This particular god i was visiting - btw frankly coz my mum was so so excited to go there as she had made a promise to visit him years ago and was trying to just keep her promise- is sorta like the Michael Jackson of gods u see. He seems to have tons and tons of believers lined up for days and weeks together just to get a glimpse of him and offer a prayer. He is also believed to be a dream catcher and frankly that's his MO. I personally don't believe in prayer for materialistic gains at all cause it doesn't really appeal to my logical brain but then again there is no logic in religion anyways. So we reach the God's palace and trust me it is a palace with security stations, queues for the affluent, the impatient and even the completely blinded by faith devotees. Flanked by a row of residences for in-house ministers of the gods and their families and small business that thrive on the "blinded by religion" folks that visit this place in the thousands on a daily basis. Strategically located on a hill/mountain with picturesque views that most people often miss out on due to heavy human traffic in the temple itself it is so cut off from the rest of the civilization that one would think that all those who do live there have to do what they are doing just to survive.The queues of people that have bought various tickets for admittance are all battling it out with their loved ones just to get ahead in line. Its initially hilarious and somewhat scary a scene when you know soon you'd be amongst those people gasping for air and water in line trying to fight the hands and legs and bodies of people being pushed like grains of sand that slide down an hour glass. Once you reach the main house or room where the god is kept most often you are just fighting people and also confused trying to find where the idol is located. It almost feels like you're a contestant in Richard O'Brian's - crystal maze! I guess in my case luck and a healthy gene pool which accounted for a decent height gave me a clear edge over the average Indian to spot my god who lay calmly placed 3 doors internally in a chamber with absolutely dim lighting making it even more difficult to spot in complete air conditioning adorned in gold and precious stones blessing the thousands that fleetingly passed by his chambers with a thousand words mumbling in their heads hoping for him to listen and act on. On exiting the chambers of the god there is this sudden peace and quiet like the feeling one would get after a war is over and the survivors come out to see the remains of the day only to find a sense of peace that they survived the entire ordeal. A few bruises and swollen nerves and maybe cuts if you're that unlucky but overall all in one piece you're out. I am amazed to see that people actually visit as often as once a year and still manage to keep the faith.
After all that one goes through just driven by hope one would think if only people had hope and faith in themselves would all the idol worship and half the problems of the world cease to exist!!!
Everyone needs to realize hurting your neighbor on the road to even a heaven is not really going to see you through the gates. It is after all an idol kept there in hope to unite people in belief of a higher power which only actually resides in the human being itself. This thought once made universally accepted only can all the killing / hurting in the name of god stop. This particular incident did not see bloodshed but imagine this was just when all believers of the same god were moving in the same direction towards him caused pain to one another then why wouldn't wars based on religion bias not cause bloodshed. Its not the gods but the humans that worship that make these rules. No god expects money to grant what you truly deserve - you give the money and hope to bribe him to make you get it because somewhere deep inside you know you don't deserve all you ask for. Greed drives all into believers of GOD!

What If...

If I weren't me and you weren't you
We'd met in a place so different than we knew
In a time and an unusual setting
Oblivious to things that we're not getting

Would you be the man I've seen throughout
Would I be the girl to who you'd reach out
If friends nor foe nor emotions we held
If time knew not the cards they'd dealt

I wonder if we'd be now this close
I wonder even then my gaze you'd hold
Reasons differing then and now
Hearts interlocking in an unspoken vow

So many thoughts come to my mind
The days gone by - time I'd rewind
Stop and run to a familiar piece
Look and feel the moment seized

Maybe my eyes couldn't see what's there
Maybe I somehow rubbished the stare
It's been so long since I could read the look
Fear and anxiety my heart has took

It's a long time since I've known you're there
Distance nor people have fluttered the flare
Now and before a break we've seen
Still our souls together have been

All this makes no sense to you I guess
Maybe in denial too, you rest
A happier, simple place it is I know
It keeps us together in a way for sure

But what if you act on what you know today?
What if the fear is finally swept away?
Strong we are alone and immensely together shall be
What if... my friend... we are meant to be?

Bittersweet Love

Through rose tinted glasses the view

To your heart and deeper

Little did I know it bore no skin nor soul

Just make my heart grow feebler

Blinded by the image in my eyes

A view so pretty though made up

Romance circling and tweeting all day

Clouds of ignorance; the perfect cover up

Birds, bows and arrows

All in the upper strata

One hit to the ground by your sound

And that’s all a bbye and tata

All the promises rethought

Then all the words readdressed in time

Questioning one’s intellect

Suggesting things said were a crime.

Then the image reappears

With all its beauty and poise

A soul corrupted with time

A song scrambled in the noise.

Looking through the glass again

A man stripped of the color and shine

A loveless soul and heartless body

All things that will never be mine!